Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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