I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Oh god it's open bar.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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