I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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