Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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