We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
