we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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