Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize