I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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