Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
