I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
