I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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