Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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