I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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