So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
