I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
whose parrot is this?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
