I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
