Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
