im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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