Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize