You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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