We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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