awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize