If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
