i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
