Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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