In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
