my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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