Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize