so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
