i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
