At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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