I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
