I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
