I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Randomize
