Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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