I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize