I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My dick has a subreddit
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
