What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
