Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize