she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Acid is not a monday night drug
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
you had me at cake vodka
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
