I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You need a sexual gate keeper
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
