Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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