can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
