just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
