apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize