I wish they made helmets for livers.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
