i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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