It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
