are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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