the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
