FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
