You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
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