I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
