We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
