I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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