Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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