I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
