You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
