Swine flu. Run for my life!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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