Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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