Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
