i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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