im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
