Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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